aeolian_e

IN LOVE

previous entry not nearly finished

"Honestly"

so afraid of this feeling
familiar but strange
like a season felt once, but
this fall is unlike any autumn before

to be honest
i'd love to lay there forever
and tell you how beautiful you are
the way your eyes stop my heart

but i'm so afraid of this dream
when i wake up the, winter
the snow and the ice
bitter feelings again

i could lay there forever

How stupid a person can be?

The anwser is very. Biochem class was too easy today so i decided to ponder some philosophical questions to myself while learning the pKa's of the 20 amino acids.

Something that pisses me off to a great extent are the people who damn Cline to Hell. Please let me explain before you initially label me a heartless motherfucker or something of the sorts. How whorrible of anyone to damn anyone to "hell", i say who gives you any fucking right to do that. i don't believe it is right to say that anyone deserves anything at all. I do condone Cline going to prison in order to save lives, cause he is obviously going to drink and drive again- let's face it-he's a dumb ass just like many of the alcholics at this campus (except no one on this campus has killed someone). By the way how many people on this campus have ever driven while drunk? I bet that would be some interesting data. Sorry for the tangent, but the last i checked, the goal of prison was to teach people a lesson and stop them from harming society- not what the many of hiram believe, that he should go in order to suffer. By the way, i am truly sorry for you if you pray to your god for suffering, what a fucking contradiction.

Also on the subject of just praying to god so that he makes the jury condemn cline. Where do these people get these dumb ideas that God is in our heads and that he actually makes us do things. Rediculous, what would be the point if god controlled everything. Many believe that he has this effect on the world, me personally- i wouldn't want to live in a world where i had no control-god puts no ideas in our heads, only people and society striking fear into our heads that if we do an injustice to god we are damned. So there it is- lets believe in god because we don't want to go to hell. -God made all these strict rules and by these he forces us to behave.- This is kinda funny too--example lets consider love/falling in love , what makes more sense, if you fall in love with someone and they reciprocate with love equally or you force them to love you. i know any type of forced love would be pointless and dumb. Same goes for god- i believe there are no rules (no i am not one of those stupid anarchists or chaos lovers) because we as people are predisposed by both our molecular genetic compositions and environmental influences to act in particluar ways. We are not "posessed by a spirit" ^insert humor^ if we are so posessed i might as well stop studying for tests and trying to work hard, cause if he controlls everything i'll just let god do it all for me.

Summary- i'm sorry if i have offended you (i do not claim that i am perfect or even close- or even intelligent to any degree, i am flawed)- by the way this was not an emo statement- i will continue to rework my thinking with just about everything hopefully to the day i die, i've been taking everything in since i was 16 and i've gone a long way in 4.5 years and i have a long way to go.

Blind faith= nothing
Unmodified ideals= nothing
*only my opinion which does not mean anything at all, so there is no use in attacking someone who acknoledges that his ideas are imperfect and needs to grow

Change has been accelerated i'm afraid, i cannot stop this from happening

Thinking alot about ph.d programs already, the one biomedical scientist training program at Case Western looks really good, i've been eyeballing it for about four years now- yep you guessed it i'm a planner and it seems to me i'm the first one to know what i want and the only one to stick with it. I guess i know myself very well, it is interesting to be able to be a philosopher- writing poetry and thinking about life and reality while being a scientist at the same time. I'd say i have very strong abilities in both the abstract as well as concete which is helpful.

school is about to start, i'm happy for that-getting bored and now i'm ready for biochemistry. hopefully my room in bowler will be big. I'll be glad to see my friends again. Planning on getting off of campus, possibly going to the rock gym, cedar point, maybe some clubs. Gotta get out of that place.

I'm already looking beyond, on another level beyond this whole undergraduate experience at hiram. The same thing happend to me in high school, by junior year i'm ready to go the the next step.

"being a broken star, the remains of nothing but sorrow, for being so bright but now black, such a tradegy none as this, to have shined and given rays of joy and warmth, left to exist as nothing" - my own words as of 11:27 August 16 2006

Are you ?

Old
Cold
or somewhere in between?

where the trees bend to catch the sun's rays
why don't you ?
stay away
the heart's dissident grows true

star-crossed denial
and an empty glass of feelings once meant
where your thirst once quenched
regret... this light you let

into your sights
you wished upon this falling star
tossed your only pennies into the wishing well
to feel gentle splashes of sacred water upon your face

empty.. in the fall
the beautiful denouement
to find a sea where the waves sing
sings songs of the past... you cared

Dance... joylessly in your castle
certainty itself will suffocate you
all you have is never enough

beautiful golden chandeliers
fine oak chairs
with a dining table of marble

but no guests,

you sit alone, happy with your opinions

undertow carries away remaining hopes
you've deciphered the last codes
disproved love, we are only animal
mistaking emotion for something extraordinary
-but after all there is a formula for everything -

-if we could all be children
dancing in castles not made of gold
but of fantasy and make believe -

"depression is often lowest in children, why is this? have adults somehow lost something special and necessary for life? Growth occurs differently in all people, always in different aspects. How many times do people create their own sadness? You can hate the world if you let yourself, if you choose to!

Love is on the back porch
staring at the re-mains
of what used to be real

should i keep the ashes of our lost love
or toss them to sea

i believe
we
i believe we were supposed to be
more than everything

felt like i was more while i was with you
gone ... a breeze now carries the bittersweet echo
back to me .. a dirty mirror now distorts your reflection.. you're ugly

(whom i write about, i thought i knew almost three years ago)

so do you remember the day that you became happy? i don't mean happy because of a new car or becuase you just ate the best hot fudge sundae in your life. No what i mean is the day that you realized you might just have it right, your life i mean. Maybe i've felt lost this whole time because i've known for four years what i wanted to do with my life but i had to wait to get a taste of it. I knew when i was sixteen that i wanted to do cancer research , on either oncogenes like Ras, or the tumor suppressor p53, but i had to wait and take a whole bunch of bullshit classes that i didn't really need. oh well now i'm gonna have my own project at kent now dealing with the WT1 tumore supressor gene. First off i m gonna run a luciferase assay with WT1 binding to a VEGF promoter in a plasmid, but my part is going to be in using a DNA decoy that resembles that promoter. It will be interesting to see in the results if by doing this we can turn reduce expression of VEGF which is a growth factor necessary for angiogenesis.

Cool stuff . . .

Oh baby

here is like the best advice you could ever have

"if it smells like shit, it probably is"

SEXY

Sometimes the thing that is right is the hardest thing to do some might say. Usually its the thing that you love the most and which you cannot get off of your mind that will cause you the most trouble and take the most effort. Is it worth it? I say yes. sometimes it seems like the work necessary to obtain this incredible feat is overwhelming but there is no other way. There is, but that way (simply trying to forget about it or giving up) is not exactly right considering if you leave this thing behind you will forever left with the "what if" problem. The more you try to deny, the more it comes back in your face till years down the road it keeps on repeating in your mind. Don't ever let this something (opportunity) fall away, cause you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Consequently this very concern of yours scares you the most. The threat of failure haunts your subconscious and is constanly trying to delay your progression. There must be a point in which you put this fear to rest and do what you know must be done. The greatest honor is not with success necessarily but in knowing that you tried your hardest at whatever your conquest may be.

Just Live

"Fully alive, almost ready to smile"
"The impossible is possible tonight"

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Dead feelings
they lie
no tomb
fuck this thought !

inside
a box full of hate
for a broken reality
of a mistaken dream

i thought the whole stayin up late thing would be over but here i am again up till 4 30 with a girl. I m not complaining, just saying here i go again staying up late because of a girl.its ok cause it was on the weekend, definately no more staying up during the week, it makes me a zombie in class. All in all it was actually pretty fun i must say. Good conversation, Good Times

Today
The sky turned over
the skies turned again to clouds
if only it had rained,
i would love
if i could
this day if only there was rain

Its funny how things work out
some things you never expect in your life

i see your intoxication and it disgusts me

no more wasted time
no more holding me back
i can't let my life fall asleep on me

on another subject, someone is stopping by later tonight which is pretty cool.